tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post900809839467749794..comments2024-03-09T15:57:58.218+11:00Comments on Justified Lunacy: Show Me The Voice BlogfestAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01677563505368503476noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-86971962441529928182011-03-23T04:11:27.066+11:002011-03-23T04:11:27.066+11:00Hi, I'm coming in after the edits so I missed ...Hi, I'm coming in after the edits so I missed the first version. This is a great way to drop a reader right into the action. It may not be THE action of the story, but it gives us some insight into your character. <br /><br />I also love where you cut the selection. Now I have to know who/what is coming that they have to scatter from.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-51765234042797552012011-03-22T09:31:19.311+11:002011-03-22T09:31:19.311+11:00This is a very strong voice. You sucked me right i...This is a very strong voice. You sucked me right into the middle of that fight!Margay Leah Justicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490126898758440254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-27757180425223606692011-03-22T06:51:55.472+11:002011-03-22T06:51:55.472+11:00I didn't read the earlier version, but the des...I didn't read the earlier version, but the description seems appropriate in the revamped opening. There's not a lot of your MC's voice in this, but what's there is excellent. You more than make up for quantity with great quality when the voice shines through. As others have said, "poisonous cow" is a great insult.<br /><br />One thing that stuck out at me is the MC's observation about Alex's hair: "which is overdue for another dose of peroxide." That yanked me out of the scene and didn't seem realistic. Who notices their friend's hair during a fight?<br /><br />Otherwise, I thought this was fantastic. Great job!duwarrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17808867257167768008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-4028695541088401352011-03-22T06:07:53.014+11:002011-03-22T06:07:53.014+11:00I remember reading the opening line & I absolu...I remember reading the opening line & I absolutely loved it! So with that said, I was excited to see more . . . even if it was just a 250 word teaser! :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14207832157235025521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-40847520093462907872011-03-22T05:45:22.956+11:002011-03-22T05:45:22.956+11:00Wow I'm way too late to bring anything new to ...Wow I'm way too late to bring anything new to the party, haha, but I do love this. Its one of the most intriguing openings I've read in a long time, and I have no idea where this set up is leading to, which I love.Kalen O'Donnellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02131133469192904315noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-83527957991513340712011-03-22T05:37:51.277+11:002011-03-22T05:37:51.277+11:00Super intense! Great voice and great action. you&#...Super intense! Great voice and great action. you've definitely got me wanting to know more . . . to read on to figure it out.<br /><br />I wondered if the mc was a boy or a girl, too. But overall nice job!Janet Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12688012956157161889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-18589097485070174792011-03-22T03:59:24.883+11:002011-03-22T03:59:24.883+11:00Thanks for the comment! I don't know what the ...Thanks for the comment! I don't know what the first version sounded like, but this sounds good. Enough description to throw us in the scene and wonder how she go into a fight. The only thing I would say is that you can't use hiss without an S in the sentence. Small.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-47553298868299406702011-03-22T02:56:16.159+11:002011-03-22T02:56:16.159+11:00Great job of launching us right into the action. I...Great job of launching us right into the action. I think the balance between action and description is fine. The only thing that took me out of the story was the line about Alex needing another dose of peroxide. That seemed like an odd thing for her (name?) to focus on in the middle of what is clearly a menacing situation.<br /><br />Definitely curious about where this is going! Good luck with the contest!Julie Hedlundhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04477115458570906449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-7458928946522775182011-03-22T02:26:44.877+11:002011-03-22T02:26:44.877+11:00Love it. You have great descriptions -- I especial...Love it. You have great descriptions -- I especially like the fleshy wall and the dose of peroxide.Teralyn Rose Pilgrimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04586129403789427592noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-1473143071603539582011-03-22T01:40:56.774+11:002011-03-22T01:40:56.774+11:00Blogfests always make me realize that it all comes...Blogfests always make me realize that it all comes down to personal opinion a lot of the time. I love description and detail if it is done well--and in your 250, it is. So I would not remove any of that. Your descriptions put me into the fight scene as a bystander. <br />I assumed the character was female. If male, then you may want to clarify. <br />I am a lover of verbs over adjectives, so I applaud your use of them here.Susan Oloierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07311938400999953443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-57971858504520376232011-03-22T01:17:48.244+11:002011-03-22T01:17:48.244+11:00Love that your opening with a fight and I like the...Love that your opening with a fight and I like the voice.<br />Immediately I want to know what Alex did to tick off the cow.<br />Great work.Anita Saxenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12444339735834716979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-2414267687073733952011-03-21T23:45:23.344+11:002011-03-21T23:45:23.344+11:00Loved the action here! And you get the feel of you...Loved the action here! And you get the feel of your MC right off the bat, that she's a bad %#%! LOL. <br /><br />Great job...Rebekah Purdyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04026278520434226775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-41101511096836896522011-03-21T23:39:30.748+11:002011-03-21T23:39:30.748+11:00I like this - your writing is tight and focussed. ...I like this - your writing is tight and focussed. I'd join in with some of the others as to what details you might notice in a fight but I don't agree you wouldn't notice any. Maybe not that her friend needs peroxide though!<br />love it.Jan Morrisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01771180344305042855noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-45585589819284457892011-03-21T15:25:38.248+11:002011-03-21T15:25:38.248+11:00LOVE her attitude.
don’t know what Alex did to pi...LOVE her attitude.<br /> don’t know what Alex did to piss off this poisonous cow, but now I want blood. SO GOOD<br /><br />And my other fav was your last line. I love that you stuck in pale ass - awesome.Jolene Perryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14809468564016928636noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-34626621287467688582011-03-21T13:43:57.984+11:002011-03-21T13:43:57.984+11:00Good description and definitely action packed. I a...Good description and definitely action packed. I agree with trimming it down just a bit to tighten the action.Michael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-43014684595711071762011-03-21T13:34:27.808+11:002011-03-21T13:34:27.808+11:00Talk about opening with action. You can't go w...Talk about opening with action. You can't go wrong with a girl fight. :) I feel torn about the voice of the mc. She's not a trouble maker, more of a problem solver, and yet she solves problems with fighting (which makes me think she's probably a troublemaker without blaming herself) and it makes her not sympathetic to me. However, her deep pov perspective shows she's thoughtful, imaginative,and a door mat for her friend. In all, I don't get a clear idea of who she is.<br />Having said all that, the scene is engrossing, capturing you with the action, setting, and dialogue.Erin Kane Spockhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05376851676240606472noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-971546038447637892011-03-21T13:00:28.172+11:002011-03-21T13:00:28.172+11:00I love how you immediately draw us into the action...I love how you immediately draw us into the action. It makes us wonder how the fight starts.Kris @Imaginary Readshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13550965344184687023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-73036914286978894422011-03-21T12:52:47.764+11:002011-03-21T12:52:47.764+11:00Dude, I love it! Want to read on, big time. And I ...Dude, I love it! Want to read on, big time. And I love that it's at a gig of some kind :)Trishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-85834322834546531032011-03-21T11:56:58.627+11:002011-03-21T11:56:58.627+11:00Great voice. I don't mind all the description ...Great voice. I don't mind all the description b/c I'm a fan of that lol. But I think the voice is clear and I'm interested in finding out what exactly is going on. Great job!Lori M. Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04858438789496971734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-74945769696602755232011-03-21T11:26:02.380+11:002011-03-21T11:26:02.380+11:00Love how you dove right into the action, but I agr...Love how you dove right into the action, but I agree that there might be a bit too much description, especially since this is present tense. I'd think the narrator's thoughts would be consumed by the fight. Particularly the line about her best friend needing to get her hair done threw me off. Absolutely loved "knocking me back into the fleshy wall of the crowd," and "The lead singer sounds like he’s chewing on tin foil." Awesome imagery!Katy Uppermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07725740174190514869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-40432368913402155722011-03-21T11:13:58.744+11:002011-03-21T11:13:58.744+11:00What an action-packed opener! I enjoyed it, but I&...What an action-packed opener! I enjoyed it, but I'll encho everyone by saying you could probably cut down on the settings. I'd emphasis the VISUAL ones could probably be cut, as in a fight you should really only be focused on your opponent. However, keep the noise; it adds to the chaotic atmosphere, and in my experience sounds always seem louder when the adrenaline is pumping!J.C. Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01567971311643106302noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-84769738393976934972011-03-21T11:10:47.840+11:002011-03-21T11:10:47.840+11:00This is what I'd do to keep your descriptions ...This is what I'd do to keep your descriptions which are nice but keep them from jarring out of the immediate action. Instead of going from 'I' action to description, have the description come from her internalizing what's happening around her. For example...Their chants sound like an eerie tribal drumbeat warming up for the big sacrifice...<br />Their chants are pounding against my head like rhythmms of a drum...<br />Loose the sound like...that's what stalls it.<br />Great piece. I hope I've given you something useful.<br />My best. LindaWrite Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11243460609179141414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-27090679147429269042011-03-21T11:08:56.179+11:002011-03-21T11:08:56.179+11:00I enjoyed your piece. Scar I'm hoping is shor...I enjoyed your piece. Scar I'm hoping is short for Scarlette? It does sound a little too tough. But all in all I really enjoyed your entry! Nice job!Sharon K. Mayhewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-37208320967428120582011-03-21T11:00:46.068+11:002011-03-21T11:00:46.068+11:00Great voice. Even though you start with a fight sc...Great voice. Even though you start with a fight scene, I'm already starting to care about the character. I'm guess she's a girl since she's fighting against a girl. Guys tend not to do that. If they win, they're a loser for fighting a girl. If they lose, they're a loser for losing against a girl. ;)<br /><br />Great description. I didn't feel like it slowed things too much, but you can definitely pare it down a bit like the others mentioned. One thing that did stand out was your repetition about the 'long, xx hair'. Use one or the other. If you refer to the first one as snow white, we already have an image of what she looks like (other than she has long hair). I'd keep the second hair reference. Mainly because I loved: which is overdue for another dose of peroxide. :D <br /><br />Good luck!Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-10044441938315660702011-03-21T10:44:33.991+11:002011-03-21T10:44:33.991+11:00this is interesting but somehow i feel kind of dis...this is interesting but somehow i feel kind of disconnected from it. which is sort of useless criticism since i'm not certain how to fix it for me, but i think it might be because i have no idea what's going on here. the chanting of the word, 'fight' seems like something that would happen at school. but clearly this is some kind of club. and if it's a club why isn't she being tossed out by the bouncers? but i wouldn't put it down or anything, i'd certainly keep reading.amber gilchristhttp://ambergilchrist.comnoreply@blogger.com