Monday, February 7, 2011

It Was a Dark and Stormy Blogfest

Ok, Brenda Drake is hosting a first line blogfest today and tomorrow. Be sure to check out her blog for a list of participants!

So, what needs to happen? Here I will post my first line and I'm asking for any and all suggestions (be honest, I'm a big girl, if necessary) so I can post it to Brenda's blog at the end of the blogfest.

What’s up for grabs? A query critique, a 25 pages + query critique, and a 50 pages + query critique by none other than Weronika Janczuk, writer and agent with D4EO Lit Agency!

Now, for my entry:
  • Working Title: SHADOW EMBRACED
  • Genre: Young Adult Urban Fantasy
  • First line: Her blows come quick and hard, knocking me back into the fleshy wall of the crowd. 
Best of luck everyone!
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34 comments:

  1. AnonymousFebruary 8, 2011 at 12:36 AM

    I'm picturing a fight in the middle of a circle of watchers urging them on. Makes me want to find out what's going on!

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  2. Kerri CuevFebruary 8, 2011 at 1:20 AM

    Some action! I LIKE it! :)

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  3. UnknownFebruary 8, 2011 at 2:45 AM

    This is a strong and interesting opening.
    Hope the thoughts are useful - cheers, Elaine

    Her blows come quick – and hard – knocking me back into the fleshy wall of the crowd.

    By the movement, you can presume the blows were bad

    Her blows knocked me into the fleshy, unsupportive wall.

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  4. Kate HaggardFebruary 8, 2011 at 3:40 AM

    Nice. The dashes aren't really necessary. "Her blows come quick and hard, knocking me into the fleshy wall of the crowd." reads the same way. Otherwise, it works extremely well.

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  5. Jamie ManningFebruary 8, 2011 at 4:07 AM

    Really good first line. "Fleshy wall of the crowd"? That's awesome!

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  6. Kristina FugateFebruary 8, 2011 at 8:30 AM

    This is a very strong first line! It's very powerful!

    Thanks for sharing!

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  7. Eleni AlexandrakiFebruary 8, 2011 at 9:50 AM

    For the most part, I dislike novels in present tense, but I'd be willing to give this one a try. Is it a fight? I don't think the dashes are necessary, though.

    Good luck!

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  8. Christine L. ArnoldFebruary 8, 2011 at 10:19 AM

    Ooo I love this part "knocking me back into the fleshy wall of the crowd" It's so visceral and disgusting. I love it! Great sentence!

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  9. AnonymousFebruary 8, 2011 at 10:33 AM

    WOW! Strong opening!

    (I agree with using the commas instead of the dashes.)

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  10. UnknownFebruary 8, 2011 at 11:03 AM

    Oh yeah, got some action going on! The description of "knocking me back into fleshy wall of the crowd" is intensely awesome. I love it!

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  11. Gina CioccaFebruary 8, 2011 at 11:12 AM

    Wow, I'd say this is spot on. Great imagery.

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  12. A.L. SonnichsenFebruary 8, 2011 at 11:24 AM

    I love that last phrase "fleshy wall of the crowd." Very descriptive.

    If it were me, I'd probably cut the hyphens, but besides that, I wouldn't change a thing. Nice job! I'd definitely want to read more.

    Good luck. :)

    Amy

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  13. Shooting Stars MagFebruary 8, 2011 at 11:30 AM

    The "quick and hard" part is heard a lot it seems...but honestly, I don't know what else to say so I think it works just fine. LOL But the last part of the line is awesome. Great job.

    thanks for your comment on mine...I've added the second line to help out like everyone asked!

    -Lauren

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  14. AnonymousFebruary 8, 2011 at 11:53 AM

    Wow, starting off with a punch--Literally! NICE!

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  15. MaDonna MaurerFebruary 8, 2011 at 11:54 AM

    Love the final description. I'm hooked. Love starts with action.

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  16. Linda GrayFebruary 8, 2011 at 12:12 PM

    Nice action and sensory detail. I admire novelists who take on first person, present tense—that's not easy. I would definitely read more of this story.

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  17. Vicki TremperFebruary 8, 2011 at 12:27 PM

    Love the word fleshy. Love the action. I didn't even notice it was in present tense - so that's a good thing.

    Nice!
    Thanks for stopping by my blog.
    Good luck!

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  18. Patricia JLFebruary 8, 2011 at 12:38 PM

    That's an action packed opening line!

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  19. Alleged AuthorFebruary 8, 2011 at 1:21 PM

    I love that you don't beat around the bush! Teens have short attention spans, and I think this will really draw them into your novel. The present tense is perfect for what seems sure to be an action filled YA urban fantasy.

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  20. Miranda HardyFebruary 8, 2011 at 1:54 PM

    I can totally picture this fight, surrounded by people. I think this is a great opening line.

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  21. Sharon K. MayhewFebruary 8, 2011 at 3:25 PM

    You for sure caught my interest. I love "the fleshy wall of the crowd." Very nice!

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  22. erica m. chapmanFebruary 8, 2011 at 4:31 PM

    Oh, I love the imagery here. Is she/he at a concert? I would read on.

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  23. MyneFebruary 8, 2011 at 4:53 PM

    I like how it starts with action and the description too.

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  24. SM JohnstonFebruary 8, 2011 at 5:25 PM

    An interesting start, straight into action. Fleshy wall made me think horror/fantasy action.

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  25. dolorahFebruary 8, 2011 at 6:41 PM

    I really like this first sentence. My only suggestion is perhaps to change "Her blows" to "The blows" so the focus remains on the POV character.

    Great line.

    ......dhole

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  26. AnonymousFebruary 8, 2011 at 11:58 PM

    'Fleshy wall of the crowd' Very good. i like that line. Pulled me in.

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  27. Justin W. ParenteFebruary 9, 2011 at 1:24 AM

    Hi Cheree,

    Fleshy crowd makes me stumble. I'm maybe seeing a mob of bare chested people because of this description, and I doubt that's what I'm supposed to be seeing. The vagueness of the line also in part comes from the MC not expressing her own activeness. You could rewrite this as:

    "I stumbled into a crowd, but they were uninviting--grabby of my shoulders--and they shoved me back to the one opposite me."

    It's not too different from what you have but it part shows the MC thinking about her situation.

    See what you can do with it.

    Best,

    JWP
    In My Write Mind

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  28. Shelley WattersFebruary 9, 2011 at 3:29 AM

    Great first line! I wouldn't change a thing!

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  29. NicoleFebruary 9, 2011 at 5:16 AM

    I like the visual of "fleshy wall" -- that's lovely.

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  30. Loralie HallFebruary 9, 2011 at 5:24 AM

    I like the visual of 'fleshy wall' as well. Great way to jump into the action and hook the reader.

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  31. AnonymousFebruary 9, 2011 at 6:37 AM

    Definitely lots of action and makes me want to read on

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  32. kathrynjankowskiFebruary 9, 2011 at 6:37 AM

    Very nice! I'm immediately drawn in.
    Thanks for sharing!

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  33. Stephanie ThorntonFebruary 9, 2011 at 4:40 PM

    I like the action, the "fleshy wall" bit is great!

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  34. Shannon O'DonnellFebruary 10, 2011 at 7:25 AM

    I absolutely LOVE it! Perfect. :-)

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