tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post8915180324444361984..comments2024-03-09T15:57:58.218+11:00Comments on Justified Lunacy: It Was a Dark and Stormy BlogfestAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01677563505368503476noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-18263073274734608922011-02-10T07:25:04.427+11:002011-02-10T07:25:04.427+11:00I absolutely LOVE it! Perfect. :-)I absolutely LOVE it! Perfect. :-)Shannon O'Donnellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17299313309059235876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-37928956121222710482011-02-09T16:40:10.363+11:002011-02-09T16:40:10.363+11:00I like the action, the "fleshy wall" bit...I like the action, the "fleshy wall" bit is great!Stephanie Thorntonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17437077559099315853noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-59540596208992253712011-02-09T06:37:19.894+11:002011-02-09T06:37:19.894+11:00Very nice! I'm immediately drawn in.
Thanks fo...Very nice! I'm immediately drawn in.<br />Thanks for sharing!kathrynjankowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16708011523767228663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-86976778982225933922011-02-09T06:37:03.171+11:002011-02-09T06:37:03.171+11:00Definitely lots of action and makes me want to rea...Definitely lots of action and makes me want to read onAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-59864129852587667582011-02-09T05:24:48.658+11:002011-02-09T05:24:48.658+11:00I like the visual of 'fleshy wall' as well...I like the visual of 'fleshy wall' as well. Great way to jump into the action and hook the reader.Loralie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07134452749240292803noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-15707347960820417572011-02-09T05:16:09.144+11:002011-02-09T05:16:09.144+11:00I like the visual of "fleshy wall" -- th...I like the visual of "fleshy wall" -- that's lovely.Nicolehttp://www.nicolewolverton.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-77859960581740267612011-02-09T03:29:40.247+11:002011-02-09T03:29:40.247+11:00Great first line! I wouldn't change a thing!Great first line! I wouldn't change a thing!Shelley Wattershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01441028066774362849noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-35135878127022195712011-02-09T01:24:10.314+11:002011-02-09T01:24:10.314+11:00Hi Cheree,
Fleshy crowd makes me stumble. I'm...Hi Cheree,<br /><br />Fleshy crowd makes me stumble. I'm maybe seeing a mob of bare chested people because of this description, and I doubt that's what I'm supposed to be seeing. The vagueness of the line also in part comes from the MC not expressing her own activeness. You could rewrite this as:<br /><br />"I stumbled into a crowd, but they were uninviting--grabby of my shoulders--and they shoved me back to the one opposite me."<br /><br />It's not too different from what you have but it part shows the MC thinking about her situation.<br /><br />See what you can do with it.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />JWP<br /><a href="jwparente.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">In My Write Mind</a>Justin W. Parentehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05951018201906897315noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-46257512291134582722011-02-08T23:58:42.445+11:002011-02-08T23:58:42.445+11:00'Fleshy wall of the crowd' Very good. i li...'Fleshy wall of the crowd' Very good. i like that line. Pulled me in.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-25618299832130941982011-02-08T18:41:49.923+11:002011-02-08T18:41:49.923+11:00I really like this first sentence. My only sugges...I really like this first sentence. My only suggestion is perhaps to change "Her blows" to "The blows" so the focus remains on the POV character.<br /><br />Great line.<br /><br />......dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-49382377673367970932011-02-08T17:25:09.082+11:002011-02-08T17:25:09.082+11:00An interesting start, straight into action. Fleshy...An interesting start, straight into action. Fleshy wall made me think horror/fantasy action.SM Johnstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03546994863993080465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-7317394292484143742011-02-08T16:53:55.312+11:002011-02-08T16:53:55.312+11:00I like how it starts with action and the descripti...I like how it starts with action and the description too.Mynehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07595087387069634003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-20090819553499409132011-02-08T16:31:30.894+11:002011-02-08T16:31:30.894+11:00Oh, I love the imagery here. Is she/he at a concer...Oh, I love the imagery here. Is she/he at a concert? I would read on.erica m. chapmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14773306703153110737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-73720457250418394882011-02-08T15:25:20.668+11:002011-02-08T15:25:20.668+11:00You for sure caught my interest. I love "the...You for sure caught my interest. I love "the fleshy wall of the crowd." Very nice!Sharon K. Mayhewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-10396683445476613762011-02-08T13:54:17.101+11:002011-02-08T13:54:17.101+11:00I can totally picture this fight, surrounded by pe...I can totally picture this fight, surrounded by people. I think this is a great opening line.Miranda Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17880449368013410349noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-73904827080570913432011-02-08T13:21:12.071+11:002011-02-08T13:21:12.071+11:00I love that you don't beat around the bush! Te...I love that you don't beat around the bush! Teens have short attention spans, and I think this will really draw them into your novel. The present tense is perfect for what seems sure to be an action filled YA urban fantasy.Alleged Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04869021184116123477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-856878920504317292011-02-08T12:38:30.798+11:002011-02-08T12:38:30.798+11:00That's an action packed opening line!That's an action packed opening line!Patricia JLhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582005500429122486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-19088376891132145642011-02-08T12:27:44.291+11:002011-02-08T12:27:44.291+11:00Love the word fleshy. Love the action. I didn...Love the word fleshy. Love the action. I didn't even notice it was in present tense - so that's a good thing.<br /><br />Nice!<br />Thanks for stopping by my blog.<br />Good luck!Vicki Tremperhttp://www.vbtremper.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-77179001135187859912011-02-08T12:12:04.844+11:002011-02-08T12:12:04.844+11:00Nice action and sensory detail. I admire novelist...Nice action and sensory detail. I admire novelists who take on first person, present tense—that's not easy. I would definitely read more of this story.Linda Grayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18001433214194860481noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-87438248907340822022011-02-08T11:54:45.827+11:002011-02-08T11:54:45.827+11:00Love the final description. I'm hooked. Love s...Love the final description. I'm hooked. Love starts with action.MaDonna Maurerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04157381592556792198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-47322496422718680782011-02-08T11:53:45.855+11:002011-02-08T11:53:45.855+11:00Wow, starting off with a punch--Literally! NICE!Wow, starting off with a punch--Literally! NICE!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-84349929114086570252011-02-08T11:30:03.151+11:002011-02-08T11:30:03.151+11:00The "quick and hard" part is heard a lot...The "quick and hard" part is heard a lot it seems...but honestly, I don't know what else to say so I think it works just fine. LOL But the last part of the line is awesome. Great job.<br /><br />thanks for your comment on mine...I've added the second line to help out like everyone asked!<br /><br />-LaurenShooting Stars Maghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16074581473656321052noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-4630071710295991472011-02-08T11:24:27.132+11:002011-02-08T11:24:27.132+11:00I love that last phrase "fleshy wall of the c...I love that last phrase "fleshy wall of the crowd." Very descriptive.<br /><br />If it were me, I'd probably cut the hyphens, but besides that, I wouldn't change a thing. Nice job! I'd definitely want to read more.<br /><br />Good luck. :)<br /><br />AmyA.L. Sonnichsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11358456786727534289noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-25407400196893953272011-02-08T11:12:38.960+11:002011-02-08T11:12:38.960+11:00Wow, I'd say this is spot on. Great imagery.Wow, I'd say this is spot on. Great imagery.Gina Cioccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18024256412233972412noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1248193231958936629.post-68556994619806933642011-02-08T11:03:54.400+11:002011-02-08T11:03:54.400+11:00Oh yeah, got some action going on! The description...Oh yeah, got some action going on! The description of "knocking me back into fleshy wall of the crowd" is intensely awesome. I love it!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14207832157235025521noreply@blogger.com