The Birthday Blowout First Page Contest with Victoria Marini hosted by Shelley Watters starts today!!! Below you will find my 250 word entry. Hope you enjoy it and feel free to leave some comments.
Good luck to all the participants!
Title: Shadow Embraced
Genre: YA urban fantasy
Word count: 55,000
The pale girl knocks me back against the fleshy wall of the crowd with a couple of hard hits. I scramble away from a woman in a purple dress, my eyes on my opponent. Over the pulsing music, the crowd still keeps up their tribal chant.
“Fight! Fight! Fight!”
This is my first time at The Basement--innovative name for a club set up on a second-storey. The dim lights and smoky atmosphere make the graffiti on the walls blaze. Between the pinball machines, sagging lounges, and the close-pressed crowd, there isn't much room to manoeuvre.
“What are you waiting for?” the girl hisses. She could be Snow White with her porcelain skin and long, raven hair. “You started this. It was just between me and her.” She extends one long finger towards my best friend, Alex.
Alex watches from the sideline. I don’t know what she did to piss off this poisonous cow, but now I want blood.
“Come on, Scarlet,” Alex calls.
I take my focus off my opponent and glare at her. I hate it when she uses my name.
My opponent launches at me. I snap back to the fight just in time to shield my face from her punches. It all comes down to waiting for an opening. She’s fast, almost as fast as me. It’s difficult to maintain my balance enough to strike back.
I duck under a right hook and seize my chance. I throw an uppercut and knock her pale ass to the ground.
Happy Christmas!
1 day ago
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9 comments:
I'm interested in the name, and in why the character - that I feel is male, for some reason - is the one that has to end the fight someone else starts. It's an interesting character, and you've thrown us right into the action, which I like.
Good luck! Several of my blogger buddies are participating and I want you all to win.
There's nothing like an action-packed opening to get the story rolling. I would like to know if the main character is male or female, but I'm sure I'll find that out if I keep reading.
Very gritty--I like it a lot!!! Starting with the action is a good bet.
I love the way this drops s right into the action. It raises a lot of questions: why is the MC fighting? What did Alex do to get the MC in trouble? It's got me hooked to find out why. Great, spunky voice. Strong writing. Well done and good luck.
Lots of good action. That Alex is definitely an instigator.
Was a bit confused at times. Don't know the name or gender of the narrator (girl? Scar?). There was a purple dress but then people were red and black.
Kinda hard to connect to the characters because they're so angry. Would like a bit more depth or vulnerability.
Otherwise pretty dang fun!
I like this blend of action + characterization for an opening. Instead of just all out action, we also get to see right away how Scar thinks and the bit about her having to end Alex's fights is a great tidbit. Also, the name The Basement for a second story club is great. I really liked this, and I'd read on. I
My only critique is that the opening sentence is kind of wordy.
I like the title and the excitement of the writing. Also, the word choice in "poisonous cow" gives me a great sense of character.
My suggestion is to remove some of the adjectives. There are a lot of them and a few seem extraneous in a scene with such quick action. Especially in the first paragraph. Your second paragraph is the more descriptive of the two, so I'd save the adjectives for that one.
Good luck and nice work!
I'm kind of confused, but I guess that's a good thing? Part of it is, I just have no idea what the heck is going on, but I'm very intrigued at least! Who is this "opponent"? Who/what are these characters? I was just a little confused, as others have said, as to what gender the main character is. Maybe you could work that in somehow, but I don't know ... I assumed Scar was short for Scarlett or something. Anyway, I like how this gets right into the action, and the atmosphere is really dark and intriguing. Good luck with the contest!
- Brigid
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