So, what needs to happen? Here I will post my first line and I'm asking for any and all suggestions (be honest, I'm a big girl, if necessary) so I can post it to Brenda's blog at the end of the blogfest.
What’s up for grabs? A query critique, a 25 pages + query critique, and a 50 pages + query critique by none other than Weronika Janczuk, writer and agent with D4EO Lit Agency!
Now, for my entry:
- Working Title: SHADOW EMBRACED
- Genre: Young Adult Urban Fantasy
- First line: Her blows come quick and hard, knocking me back into the fleshy wall of the crowd.
Posts
34 comments:
I'm picturing a fight in the middle of a circle of watchers urging them on. Makes me want to find out what's going on!
Some action! I LIKE it! :)
This is a strong and interesting opening.
Hope the thoughts are useful - cheers, Elaine
Her blows come quick – and hard – knocking me back into the fleshy wall of the crowd.
By the movement, you can presume the blows were bad
Her blows knocked me into the fleshy, unsupportive wall.
Nice. The dashes aren't really necessary. "Her blows come quick and hard, knocking me into the fleshy wall of the crowd." reads the same way. Otherwise, it works extremely well.
Really good first line. "Fleshy wall of the crowd"? That's awesome!
This is a very strong first line! It's very powerful!
Thanks for sharing!
For the most part, I dislike novels in present tense, but I'd be willing to give this one a try. Is it a fight? I don't think the dashes are necessary, though.
Good luck!
Ooo I love this part "knocking me back into the fleshy wall of the crowd" It's so visceral and disgusting. I love it! Great sentence!
WOW! Strong opening!
(I agree with using the commas instead of the dashes.)
Oh yeah, got some action going on! The description of "knocking me back into fleshy wall of the crowd" is intensely awesome. I love it!
Wow, I'd say this is spot on. Great imagery.
I love that last phrase "fleshy wall of the crowd." Very descriptive.
If it were me, I'd probably cut the hyphens, but besides that, I wouldn't change a thing. Nice job! I'd definitely want to read more.
Good luck. :)
Amy
The "quick and hard" part is heard a lot it seems...but honestly, I don't know what else to say so I think it works just fine. LOL But the last part of the line is awesome. Great job.
thanks for your comment on mine...I've added the second line to help out like everyone asked!
-Lauren
Wow, starting off with a punch--Literally! NICE!
Love the final description. I'm hooked. Love starts with action.
Nice action and sensory detail. I admire novelists who take on first person, present tense—that's not easy. I would definitely read more of this story.
Love the word fleshy. Love the action. I didn't even notice it was in present tense - so that's a good thing.
Nice!
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
Good luck!
That's an action packed opening line!
I love that you don't beat around the bush! Teens have short attention spans, and I think this will really draw them into your novel. The present tense is perfect for what seems sure to be an action filled YA urban fantasy.
I can totally picture this fight, surrounded by people. I think this is a great opening line.
You for sure caught my interest. I love "the fleshy wall of the crowd." Very nice!
Oh, I love the imagery here. Is she/he at a concert? I would read on.
I like how it starts with action and the description too.
An interesting start, straight into action. Fleshy wall made me think horror/fantasy action.
I really like this first sentence. My only suggestion is perhaps to change "Her blows" to "The blows" so the focus remains on the POV character.
Great line.
......dhole
'Fleshy wall of the crowd' Very good. i like that line. Pulled me in.
Hi Cheree,
Fleshy crowd makes me stumble. I'm maybe seeing a mob of bare chested people because of this description, and I doubt that's what I'm supposed to be seeing. The vagueness of the line also in part comes from the MC not expressing her own activeness. You could rewrite this as:
"I stumbled into a crowd, but they were uninviting--grabby of my shoulders--and they shoved me back to the one opposite me."
It's not too different from what you have but it part shows the MC thinking about her situation.
See what you can do with it.
Best,
JWP
In My Write Mind
Great first line! I wouldn't change a thing!
I like the visual of "fleshy wall" -- that's lovely.
I like the visual of 'fleshy wall' as well. Great way to jump into the action and hook the reader.
Definitely lots of action and makes me want to read on
Very nice! I'm immediately drawn in.
Thanks for sharing!
I like the action, the "fleshy wall" bit is great!
I absolutely LOVE it! Perfect. :-)
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