Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Let's Talk Blogfest

Roni over at Fiction Groupie is holding a fantastic blogfest of a scene of dialogue. Go and check out some of the other scenes or sign up.

Here is my scene. A little run down. My main character has just been taken to Haven, a boot camp for witches, werewolves and wizards. Here she meets up with a witch that has a tendency to fly around on rooftops on a skateboard.

“By the way I’m Paul. Paul Gavin.” He shoves a forkful of eggs into his mouth. “I remember when I first came here, the fear and confusion is tough, but the worst part was getting used to the new schedule. My parents are strong believers in using Non’s time.”


Non-time? What’s that supposed to mean?


“Coming here was just what I needed though,” he continues. The food swirls around his mouth as he speaks. “Seeing the way the Nons insult our ancestors with all those Hollywood stereotypes just pisses me off. I’m tempted to go after them and show them exactly what we really are.”


He pauses. I guess he’s waiting for a response.


“Yeah,” I say. What I am agreeing to I have no idea, it just sounds like the right answer.


“Actually I was glad to survive.” He shakes his head and gives a bitter chuckle. “My parents kept telling me how sure they were that I would reject the transformation and die. I guess I showed them, right?”


He pauses again. This time I don’t know what to say. I give a nod and trying not to think too much about the bitterness in his voice.


“Let me guess,” he says, back in joyful puppy mode. “Vamp. Pale skin, sharp teeth, piercing eyes and the overpowering urge to be mysterious.” He shakes his head. “Although, you’re shorter than most, it's almost hard to place your race.”


“What’s yours then?” Should I have asked that?


“Witch, of course, and proud of it. Perfect body, long hair and adorable smile, that’s pretty much the standard for witches, well most of the time anyway.” He turns his head and lifts the rat’s tail so I can see his neck. A series of small ridges protrude along the path of his spine, from each node flows a delicate network of veins like a spider web. “And don’t go calling me a wizard, I get insulted by the ignorance masses who think just because I’m male I should be called that. Wizards are the frauds you see peddling cheap parlour tricks for money.”


“What about werewolves then?”


“The dogs?” He squishes his nose, sticking his tongue out. “They’re often tan, muscular, and not particularly bright.” He pushes his now empty tray aside.


I stare at the half-eaten apple in front of me.


“You must have a lot on your mind,” he says. “A new life, a new place and all the new feelings brought on by the transformation.”


I nod and try to fake a smile. “I didn’t expect this place to look like this.”


“They let us do what we want as long as we obey the rules and stay inside the compound,” he says. “I don’t know who they fear for most, us or the dumb Nons in the village. Come on.” He stands up. “We have a lot of ground to cover if I’m gonna show you this place.”

11 comments:

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

Ooooo, shiny. I like this. The voice of Paul is wonderful, and she is staying low profile, trying to figure out what she's in for. It feels like the reader is sorting it out along with her. I'm hooked and want more.

Palindrome said...

That was great. I could picture this scene clearly.

Tara said...

I like the voice in this piece. Witch vs. wizard? Who knew?

Bookewyrme said...

Very interesting. I'd be curious to see where this story goes, for sure.

~Lia

Roni @ FictionGroupie said...

Really enjoyed this. Love Paul's holier-than-thou voice.

Thanks for participating!

Stephanie McGee said...

Great excerpt. They both have a great distinct voice.

L'Aussie said...

Great piece Cheree. Good characterisation. Well done.

Susan Fields said...

Nice piece - I'm really wanting to know what race the mc is. Sounds like a very interesting premise, and the dialogue here is great. I like how overwhelmed the mc seems by it all.

C R Ward said...

I could really picture this in my head. This conversation sounded very natural. I predict Paul is either going to become a good-to-know friend, or an extreme irritant. :-)

Angie said...

I like this. It flows very naturally. The premise sounds interesting.

Lovy Boheme said...

I love the picture of Paul that I get in my mind when I read this. Very strong personality and you make it come out in this short excerpt. Nice!

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